So since i haven’t blog in ages imma combine all three topics i want to talk about in one blog….
Power and Control
So i had thought i had lost my wallet, but that seemed likely unlikable cause my pocket has a button, i know i was drunk and i coulda taken it out but i doubted it. The thought of one my friends stealing it crossed my mind, but there was no proof nor reason i had nothing but my id’s and $ 5 bucks … but still it was more logical than my wallet just disappearing into thin air.
And of course it didn’t - my mom had it, she took it and hid it from me. And i gotta say the thought did cross my mind but i didn’t think so since i did promised her i wouldn’t get that drunk again, so i thought why would she have it? as a punishment? from what? if i had already suffered the consequences of my dumb actions.
Last Thursday, we went to mall and i told my mom and brother i would catch to them in a bit that i would go to Chase and cancel and get a new credit card, my mom asked why, i told her cause i lost it. And she was like ‘oh i found a wallet the other day while i was sweeping the house …. it looked old so i didn’t think it was any of you guys’s so i just put it on a kitchen drawer’ i was like okay cool at least its not lost. So when i got home that day i started searching the drawers for it and i couldn’t find it, that’s when i started getting suspicious, i asked my mom for it and she seemed evasive and ignore my question saying ‘idk where i put it then, maybe on my robe…’
So one last Friday i was going to go over to my friends house and i was kicking myself cause i did not want to walk to his house, it’s far and i was recovering from a back injury - i was just thinking if i hadn’t lost my wallet with my brother’s school id / free bus pass, i could just go to his house on the bus and everything would be okay. So i kept looking for my wallet - i was like maybe my mom thought it was my brother’s so she put it in his room, so i went to his room and looked for it and i came across his wallet … and on an impulse i decided to see if he had already gotten a new school id that i could use - since i had lost his id and i told him like as soon as i thought i lost my wallet (like 2 weeks back) - and when i opened his wallet i come across his old id, the one i had ‘lost’ in my wallet… omfg that’s when i knew she had hid my wallet - and she had opened it, so she KNEW IT WAS MINE, and she even gave Jonathan his id and Jonathan didn’t tell me this …. and it fucken piss me, i have always had Jonathan’s back when he does his secret shit as sneaking his friends in the middle of the night, and buying them alcohol when they need it, i felt so betrayed in that moment and i just wanted my wallet back asap - i wanted to blow up on my mom and accuse her of being a liar and then blow up on Jonathan too for being her witness and not sticking for me. But my friend calmed me down and it made sense, there was really no point for me to do that, instead i can used this info to black mail Jonathan in the future, oh i am so going to get him back for this, the little snake.
‘;He’s a snake but he’s my snake’ Sugar - Survivor Gabon
Later that night my mom, in front of Jonathan, gave me my wallet saying ‘Oh it turns out it was your wallet, i had put it in the flower pot by dinning room’ O.o talk about LYING - i opened it and the first thing i saw was that everything was messed up as if something had gone threw it, idk what my mom expected to find. Condoms? Someone’s phone number? Drugs? o.O I played dumb saying ‘omg Jonathan your id isn’t here, i must have lost it somewhere else’ but my mom was like ‘oh i gave it to him, just know. Right Jonathan i put it on you bed?’ i looked at Jonathan and he was like ‘Yeah’ i was like ‘Really’ and he was like ‘Yeah’
LIES!!!
But i dropped the subject - but i have power over Jonathan now and i’m for SURE going to use it when i need something….
Still just shows how extreme my mom is, to go to extends like that to make sure i didn’t go out and do something stupid (even though i had told her i wouldn’t) besides i was not even planning on going out any time soon….
It Still Lingers…
So last night i had a dream with Anthony … lately i have been thinking and been blue about it, i did send him a pic msg the other night one with Lana’s Summertime Sadness’ Lyrics “Think I’ll Miss You Forever Like The Stars Miss The Sun In The Morning Sky” and a :/
He did not responded and i expected that, so it wasn’t a big surprise or whatever, does it hurt? kinda - cause i still miss him and i probably will always miss him.
I do find it stupid and ironic how he reblogs those ‘I’m always here for you’ and ‘why doesn’t know one care for me’ pots when i’m here like HELLO BITCH I’M DYING FOR YOU and he just ignores me and puts me in the same situation he is. What a bitch, i hate him for that but i still care for him and no matter what he does and would do i will forever care and love him :/
So yeah last night i had a dream with Anthony, in my dream i saw a young version of Anthony, he was perhaps 9/10 he was playing volleyball with other kids and i was (my age) and i was with my cousin Jazmin (12) i was like oh can we play and they were all like yea, so it was all of them against me - it was like 6/7 kids all young vs me, my brother later joined me - and on this move where i spiked the ball i hit Anthony on the face and he started bleeding from the nose and crying, i just felt so bad - i woke up feeling all sad and bad about myself - i can’t bare with the thought of Anthony being hurt and if he’s being hurt by my own hand or actions it kills me and i wish i could stop him from hurting and pass all the hurt to me instead. I just want him to be happy :/ Later i went back to sleep with Anthony still in mind, and i had another dream with him, in this dream Anthony had a twin brother, Angel. and Angel and I were friends, well more than that, best friends, and i was at their house, Angel had the room next to Anthony’s and like me and Angel would be playing video games all loud and having fun and i could see Anthony was pressed about it - Angel was everything i wish Anthony were to me, he was my best friend, i saw us (in my dream) playing, talking about (him girls and me guys and it was perfectly fine) , we were at the gym too, Angel was way bigger and muscular than Anthony and tanned too, we were learning how to box. It was AMAZING. it was like like having my life long dream come true, a true best friend, and one that was Anthony… or sort of.
Change
So i’m still waiting for my permit to arrive, so i can start with my life, so i can start working and making money, saving, and go back to the gym and working out, i feel like i’m bouncing right back on my weight and its making me super depress :/ - I am looking to go back to school soon, or as soon as classes start, but this time imma do Medical Assistant, quiet possibly at the Adult School Program, i just want to do it so i can when i get my diploma thingy start working and making way more than a normal or any whatever job would pay me, so i can start paying for university too, since its going to be way more expensive. I just want to get my permit so i can start doing something, i am so bored and i feel like i’m wasting my life, i just want my life to change for the best already, i’m sick of always getting the short end of the stick on everything i do :/ it’s so unfair.