February 19th, 2011…
That was the date i had my first date (You can see this story in my post Isaiah )
Today i just want to talk about my feelings on this day, February 19th, 2013.
As ‘Isaiah’s Songs’ play in the background and having just finished watching The Notebook
I sit her contemplating on my feelings and thinking back to that day and now two years after and the things that have happened.
-One thing i didn’t mention on my first Isaiah post and i had promised to talk about but haven’t yet, well i’ll will today, shortly Just so the story is complete.
One day my best friend Laura, told me she saw him in the street hand in hand with his boyfriend, the other guy he chose over me. And this killed me, and it made me think if i would ever run into him, and i did twice…
The first time i was with my mom at the mall, we were looking for a parking spot, it was raining, and i was looking outside my window when i saw a couple, a gay couple, hand in hand walking towards the mall, i smiled at first but my heart dropped when the realization hit me. It was Isaiah and his boyfriend.
‘We Found Love’ was playing on the radio, and immediately i started crying, i had a hoodie so i put it on, and i looked the other way so my mom wouldn’t see me crying, i cried in silence as soon as we found a parking spot i put my poker face and pretended i was okay, but at the first chance i left my mom and texted Laura and told her what i had seen, i sent outside and sat in the cold rain and cried as i texted her.
The Second time was more upfront. I was again at the mall, i was even wearing the same shirt i had on when we first kiss (my first kiss) (march 13 2011 which is coming up too …. ) I was listening to Iris , making myself to Macy’s when i saw him coming towards me, his boyfriend by his side, his boyfriend distracted looking at the stores but Isaiah saw me and recognized me, there was nothing for me to do, nowhere to go, so i just kept on walking we walked side by side with no more than a few inches of distance between us, him with his head down, me with a broken heart, and feeling embarrassed and ashamed that he saw me alone, single and broken.
After we passed i look behind me and saw them continue walking until i saw him no more…..
And to this day i haven’t seen him no more, nor i think i will, as he has move to Oregon (I sometimes check his facebook… )
And to this day my love life have been failure after failure after failure and hearthbrake after heartbrake after hearthbrake … and i think how life is so messed up as i was the nice guy who got played in that relationship and he was the bad one, yet he is still together with that guy and i’m here alone.
My feelings toward Isaiah… at this point they are no more … he will ALWAYS be in my heart, and lips as he was my first date and first kiss … his songs will always remind me of him and the time we spend, the feelings i felt, the agony, the pain, the hurt, the joy, the hope….
He might have been my first but not my first love , my first love was Anthony…
Tomorrow i start going back to the gym with my friend and i’m excited about it. Time to get myself in shape - finally - and continue living my life, and wait for my permit to arrive so i can start working already and move out with my friends.
Isaiah came, left his mark and left. Perhaps i will forever remember this day…. and oddly enough i am happy that i met Isaiah, he thought a lesson, all of the guys, even though they were hearthbrakes have taught me a lesson, which make me a better me …
So as i sit here, with the last song on his playlist is playing i find myself not crying, but looking forward to tomorrow and the new journey i;m embarking.