Friday came and went but the thoughts and struggles of life didn’t.
So last night was pretty interesting, really unusual from other times i’ve gone out clubbing.
Since i got drunk umm two weeks ago (i believe) i was like okay i’m not going to drink this time, then i was like okay i will but just a little and mix it with soda, the whole day i drank a lot of water, i ate before going to the club, i took water, soda, i was ready but while on our way my friend Richard (who had bought some UV vodka) offered me some, i couldn’t do it, just the smell of it made me want to hurl ! Brandon (another friend that went last night) had some M J and he gave me some but it did nothing to me, i barely, barely smoked any :( so everyone was drunk, high or crossed faded but me and it sucked (in a way)
While everyone had fun and dance, i was self-conscious of my bad dancing, my body, and how everyone else is so hot and dances like pro’s and i’m just so blah.
I was glad i had self control to say no, but it sucks being sober, it does suck though that i need alcohol to have fun, like i know i can have fun without it but at a place like a club where the majority is freaking hot, has a boyfriend or dances like a pro it sucks to be sober and be aware of all your flaws.
Meeting Jade Jolie was amazing though <3
And as if the night couldn’t turn for the worse - Greg was there !! Jesus F—ing Christ like really must i have to put up with your shit 9_9 After that i couldn’t even dance, instead i escaped my friends for a while and went upstairs and just stood there by the railing and watched as the people danced, kissed, grind the night away. i saw my friend Ramon scoring big time with a hottie, i saw Greg dancing with this cute guy, i saw Richard being all drunk (poor thing) trying to dance with anyone but always getting rejected, i saw all this other couples and gays, ’dress to impress’ , all skinny and muscular, with their perfect hair dos and eye brows, their sweaty and shiny bodies swaying and twerking at the sound of the loud music and i wonder ’ where do i fit it? where do i belong in all of this?’
I’m not chisel from stone and i never will, no matter how much weight i lose and how much muscle i gain, my face won’t ever be ‘model-like’ or perfect, my hair is always going to be ratchety, my eye brows will always curved up at the end tips, but that’s who i am.
My personality will never changed either, i will always believe that love comes from a special place and not just when people have sex or grind on the face floor or sext. I’m old school and i’m proud of it as much as it might turn off some people - i’m a deep deep thinker i love to think and talk about deep stuff on a first date instead of talking what my favorite color or animal are. As much as it might scare someone or think its too fast, i like that, i prefer a deep emotional attachment rather than a physical one, of course i care about the ‘look’ of a guy, who doesn’t? looks are the first thing one notices but i try to get pass that, just look at how things are going know with Steven and Johnny … Yes Steven might be hotter but something (idk what turns me off, he’s hot but his party persona turns me off, and i LOVE to party and drink (or so i think i do) turns me off and gives my brain some red warning lights about him) While on the other hand Johnny might be even consider eh or ugly looking to some, he attracts me deeper i could be wrong, i have just been talking to him for a few days,
While the music blasted i keep wishing i were talking to Johnny and be getting to him more, and for a minute i thought i saw him but of course it wasn’t him just some other guy getting it on from behind and kissing with his boyfriend or boy-friend - my thoughts went to Greg as i saw him getting down with his guy and how easy i was put aside for not meeting Greg’s requirements and i go really sad and for a good hour or so i toyed with the idea of just going up to him and kiss him and then walk away, Why? why not, to show him that i don’t care about him. To get back at him? perhaps To hurt his feelings and toy with his emotions? absolutely, by the time i came to the conclusion i was going to do it he was nowhere to be found …
Perhaps it was for the better, no to re open any chapters and just let that chapter behind
As the last hour or the slut hour (as i like to call it) came around and the dance floor turned into a giant orgy
My thoughts went to what’s next in my life? do i really want a boyfriend, do i really want a hot bod?do i want to be tipsy? do i even care about it all or it is just an illusions portrait by society and glorified by gay people, one in which you don’t have one or the other you are sad, lonely, desperate, miserable.
And i think the answer is no. I don’t really need it, i crave it cause i don’t have it but if i were to have it would things change that much? would my life be everything i want it to be? no - i don’t think so, it would just be momentarily .
Of course after the night was over i wished i was back in the club, tipsy, grinding down a hot ass hunk.
It’s like a continuous emotionally and physical battle to find out what i want, what i really want, what i need, what i crave, who i am, and who i will be.